Sadness is supposed to be on dream duty tonight, but a nightmare woke Riley up and now she’s tossing and turning.
Inside Riley’s mind, the memories that Sadness has been trying so hard to hide have found their way back into headquarters again. Whenever Riley wakes from a nightmare, the hidden memories will rush out of the retrieval pipe and find their way down into the core, pushing all of Riley’s other core memories onto the floor in a rush as they start another replay. Then there’s nothing Sadness and Riley can do but wait until they stop.
Riley tries to block them out, which is just as ineffective as Sadness’ attempts to hide them. This has been happening more and more often; it’s now up to two or three nights a week that Sadness and Riley end up forced to relive these memories.
Tonight a memory of the man from the first day of hockey camp is playing on the screen. He looms over Riley, one hand spread wide over her naked chest as he easily holds her down on the bed. Riley’s hands desperately scramble against him, trying to push him away, but it’s like trying to move a mountain. She’s just so much smaller than him. He’s smiling down at her while his other hand works between her legs.
It’s cold in the room and Riley is nude. The man forced her to strip, his camera clicking while he circled her as she took off all of her clothing, but he’s still fully dressed. He ordered Riley to spread out on the bed, photographing her in various positions until finally he set his camera down and crawled on top of her.
Sadness feels Riley’s shame as she struggles, her bare legs kicking uselessly on either side of the man’s body as his fingers probe deep inside her.
Sadness and Riley have been forced to watch this memory over and over and every time Sadness wishes she could have done something back when it was made. But at the time, no matter what buttons she pressed or levers she pulled, the control panel had remained stubbornly dormant and gray as soon as the man had entered the room and turned on the light.
In the memory he’s pushing three fingers into Riley and the thick stinging stretch of them thrusting in and out is making her sob and writhe. Sadness has come to realize that the man enjoys making Riley feel helpless because no matter how much Riley begs and pleads he doesn’t stop; she can only suffer through it.
Riley learned that lesson the first time the man touched her down there.
Back then none of the emotions realized Riley’s affection for her coach was dangerous; they all loved and trusted the older man just as much as Riley. The man had always been affectionate, paying a lot of attention to Riley. It made Fear uncomfortable sometimes. But Joy—Joy was always excited and happy when the man focused on Riley. She took it extra hard whenever he paid more attention to someone else. It was like all of Riley’s many, many crushes at the time, all consuming and heartbreaking.
At some point Anger had the bright idea that Riley should make more mistakes in the hopes that the man would start paying attention to her again and it worked for a little while.
But a few practices later, the man was unexpectedly short with Riley. And things got worse during the practice following a particularly crushing defeat. He yelled at her and pulled her aside, angrily telling her that he knew she could play better than that, and that he was very disappointed in her. Then he made her sit out, all alone, until the end of practice. She watched her team play while the emotions inside her head erupted in turmoil, yelling and arguing with each other as memory after memory was made, all of them a cascade of blue with little touches of other colors.
A numbness spread through Riley and her control panel, making it gray and unresponsive to anything the emotions did.
They’d only just started getting used to the new upgraded panel. It was so finicky that Joy tried assigning each of the emotions a chunk of the new instruction manuals, hoping that with just a little effort they could figure out just why the new panel seemed to be so much glitchier than any of its predecessors. It didn’t work, though, because the only one who really read the manuals was Sadness and there were just too many of them for one emotion to get through.
But that wasn’t the only thing that was new.
Anger had tripped over the trap door on the floor a week after the new panel was installed, sending him into a screaming meltdown. But when they opened the door they’d found it filled with wondrous things. It led to the maze-like realm of Riley’s subconscious. It wasn’t like the area Sadness and Joy had explored back when they were searching for a way to return to the control room; this area contained all of Riley’s unconscious thoughts, not just her fears. In there, Riley was brimming with all sorts of untapped possibilities.
That was when the emotions realized that there would probably always be more of Riley’s mind for them to explore. The trap door was always changing: sometimes it had a ladder or a slide or an elevator inside it and every time it was opened it would take the emotions to new places and new adventures, leading them to understand Riley better.
Joy usually trusted Sadness to be in charge when the other emotions ventured down into Riley’s subconscious—a trust left over from their previous adventures that Sadness wasn’t sure she deserved. Sometimes Sadness would be left there waiting hours or days for them to return, but they always came back with new ideas and new ways to fix Riley’s problems.
That night, Sadness and Fear were left alone in headquarters, while Joy dragged Anger and Disgust down with her to look for a way to turn the control panel back on.
Joy had waved from the door, a big happy smile on her face, before giving a stern warning to Fear not to faint. He had begun to do that more and more often, jumping at shadows and freaking out more then usual and none of them knew why. Sure, a lot of new things were happening to Riley, but the other emotions seemed to be handling it fine.
At least that’s what Sadness had thought at the time. Now she realized just how untrue that was. They’d all missed the smaller changes in each other, but Fear’s sudden escalating fainting issues were so obvious that everyone was worried. They just didn’t know what to do.
Fear was all worked up and during a small window when Sadness was distracted, Fear decided Riley needed to talk to the coach alone before he talked to her parents. He flipped up the protective plastic shield on the control panel and slammed his fist down on the Lying button before Sadness could stop him. Even though the control panel was completely gray and unresponsive, somehow the Lying button went down and got stuck there. They both freaked out, watching helplessly as Riley began lying to everyone around her, even her parents, until she was able to stay late at the rink so she could face the man alone. Sadness and Fear watched from afar in helpless horror as Honesty Island came crashing down.
The man led Riley down into the basem*nt of the rink, but instead of going to his office he led her down the hall to an empty storage room. Closing the door behind them he told her he was kicking her off the team. The headquarters’ lights flickered and then darkened. Fear screamed before fainting, leaving Sadness alone by herself. She tried to wake Fear up, panicking a little when he was unresponsive. Sadness didn’t know what to do.
Shocked, Riley started crying, desperately arguing with the man, begging for another chance, promising that she wouldn’t mess up again. The coach accused Riley of messing up on purpose, and when she tried to deny it, he got even madder.
He told her the only way she’d be let back on the team was if she were punished for wasting his time. Riley eagerly agreed, relieved that it would all be okay and she would be able to stay on the team, with her friends, with him. Sadness wasn’t sure how to feel as the man sat down in a chair and waved Riley closer. The headquarters seemed to dim, getting darker and colder all around her. Something was wrong.
The man bent Riley over his lap.
His strong arms held Riley pinned as he yanked her pants and underwear down to her knees, completely exposing her in the cold room. Sadness felt Riley’s shame and embarrassment, Riley had been spanked before, but it had always been her dad, it was shocking that her coach was going to do that to her. It stung too, she didn’t want the man to think of her as child. The sound of his open palm slapping Riley’s ass echoed in the room. Riley jumped at the stinging sensation of the hit, her eyes watering. The man hit her much harder than Riley’s father. Every slap caused the lights in headquarters dim, quickly plunging Sadness into darkness.
Still, Sadness knew Riley could handle a spanking. However, after a few slaps, the man stopped to run his hand over Riley’s burning ass cheeks and then down lower to touch her between her legs. Riley froze at the touch, holding her breath, her heart beat racing, unsure of what was happening. It felt wrong. The man’s voice was loud in the quiet room as he commented on Riley’s puss* while his fingers rubbed into her, sliding between her folds as he felt around until he found her opening.
Later, Anger would joyfully comment about the brand new curse words on the control panel, but Sadness couldn’t look at them without remembering how Riley had learned them while she was face down over the man’s knee.
Riley started to squirm at the touches, but when the man began pushing a finger deep inside her, she froze in shock. The stretch of his finger felt weird and burned a little as he forced it further into her opening. Her body stretched around the intrusion and then the man started thrusting it in and out of her, twisting it now and then. She’d never been touched like this before and it felt awful, but Riley couldn’t do anything to stop it.
The man pulled his finger out and then started spanking her again, all the while telling her how good she was being. Riley lay there panting and terrified, letting the man do whatever he wanted. A layer of ice sprang up all around Sadness, making her jump up in a panic. Sadness left Fear passed out on the floor to dash over to the useless control panel. She banged her fists against it in desperation as the ice followed her, freezing her feet to the floor while again the man’s hand slipped between Riley’s cheeks and his finger pushed inside her.
The ice spread rapidly until it covered Sadness completely, freezing her hands to the control panel as icicles formed on the ceiling. Time seemed to stretch into an eternity, while Sadness could only watch with her eyes frozen open.
Tears streaming down her face, Riley repeated whatever the man demanded, pleaded with him that she was sorry, but it was no use. He told her that this was what she deserved as he kept spanking and fingering her until she finally went completely limp in his lap. He stroked her hair as she lay there trembling, his finger still pushed deep inside her, a strange unwelcome feeling.
Sadness hoped that maybe now it would be over, but the man just leaned back and Riley heard the sound of him unzipping his pants. The ice surrounding Sadness grew thicker as Riley turned her head to see the man pulling his dick out. Riley had never seen one before. It looked weird and red, but she couldn’t focus on it that for very long before the man began to push two fingers into her. It no longer felt weird, it stung and burned like nothing she’d felt before. Riley froze, not sure what to do, but trying to hold as still as the man started thrusting his fingers fast and hard into her. It hurt, but the man didn’t stop until he moan his finger slowly coming to a stop inside her. Riley lay there gasping for air, silently crying as she felt something cold and wet on her back.
Her coach gently stroked Riley’s hair as she shook, praising her for taking her punishment so well, telling her how good she’d been. But it didn’t feel good and when he removed his fingers from Riley. It left behind an ache deep inside her that lingered. Sadness could only watch helplessly as a bright blue core memory of the man’s punishment rolled down the icy ramp, only to get stuck in the frozen gear that should have sent it down into the core memories.
After wiping her back off and pulling up Riley’s clothing, the coach rubbed away her tears and told her that, since she’d been so good, she could still continue to play on the team. But, he warned Riley, he’d be watching her.
Riley fled the room to hide in the bathroom, her ass throbbing painfully, and her face red. Feeling completely beaten down, she locked herself in a stall and cried. She clenched her legs closed, trying to ignore the painful sensation inside her. Sadness could feel Riley’s uncertainty and helplessness. Riley knew she had agreed to the punishments and had even begged for it and yet it still felt wrong.
Later, after splashing water on her face, Riley was relieved to look in the mirror and see that her reflection didn’t look any different from before. But Sadness knew it wasn’t okay because she was still frozen in the dark, icy headquarters of Riley’s mind.
The Lying button was still stuck down when Riley called her parents, but the ice started to melt faster as soon as the sound of their voices was echoing in Riley’s ears, soothing her pain and fear. However, she didn’t tell them what had happened, instead she claimed that she’d been given extra training. Sadness barely managed to work her way free so she could rush over and grab the blue core memory right as the thawing gear started to turn. The blue memory felt cold in Sadness’ hands as it played an image of the man beckoning Riley closer over and over. Even though it was a core memory, Sadness couldn’t put it in the core. Riley didn’t want anyone to know about what had happened and Sadness decided she couldn’t let any of the other emotions to see it either.
Sadness rushed around desperately, looking for a way to hide it.
That was the first time Sadness noticed all the little hiding spaces that had popped up in between the walls, the floors, and the furniture. She shoved the memory into an empty space inside a wall and shifted some of the piles of manuals over it so it looked like just another shelf. It was as if just putting the memory out of sight made Riley feel lighter. The headquarters started to brighten and the control panel finally started to spring back to life, though the Lying button remained stuck.
Sadness sighed in relief. The ice was almost gone—as if it had never been there—and she set about trying to shake Fear awake again. Fear woke up right when Joy, Disgust, and Anger came back up from Riley’s subconscious. Joy bouncing with excitement in her eagerness to share the epic adventure they’d just had in the depths of Riley’s mind.
Joy abruptly cut off her story when she noticed Honesty Island was gone, freaking out when she open the core to find the gray core memory that had once been Honesty Island’s touchstone. Anger and Disgust waved it off, a lot less broken up about it, and Disgust casually mentioned that now there was so much more Riley could get away since she didn’t have to tell the truth. Joy was unmoved and demanded to know what had happened when they’d been gone.
All of them, even Fear, turned to Sadness. But even faced with Joy’s worried face and direct questions, Sadness found she just couldn’t tell her the truth of what had happened. It would destroy Joy to know. She loved the coach the most out of all of them and thought only the best of him.
Riley wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened and Sadness helped by hiding the memory and lying to the other emotions, focusing almost entirely on Fear’s actions and glossing over what had happened later.
Lying felt wrong, but Sadness found it so easy. Everyone seemed to blindly accept her awkward lie without question and were quickly distracted by other problems. Joy freaked out about the Lying button, which started an hour long argument with Fear. Sadness lay down on the floor as they yelled and felt terrible, watching Riley’s blank face, reflected back in the window as her parents drove her home. Riley shifted in her seat and Sadness knew it was because Riley could still feel the sensation of the man’s fingers inside her.
Sadness let the other emotions pick up the slack around her as they tried to figure out just how to fix Riley’s Lying button.
As the days passed the other emotions repeated Sadness’ lie, all them coming to believe that Riley had been given a stern lecture by the coach and was too embarrassed to tell anyone about. It didn’t matter that Sadness and Riley knew differently. Riley didn’t tell anyone what had actually happened—not even her parents.
Sadness tried to be like Riley and put it out of her mind, trying to focus on her work. But then it happened again.
It got to the point, where the coach would just look over at Riley and her control panel would start acting up causing the other emotions to freak out. Joy had taken to thinking the subconscious had to hold the key to fixing the glitches and nothing could change her mind. By the time the other emotion were away from headquarters searching for solutions, Riley and Sadness would find themselves alone with man again and again. And the punishments were getting worse.
The other emotions didn’t know what was happening, but Sadness was trapped. Both when she was covered in ice watching the man touch Riley and later at night when the memories would play.
Sadness shook herself out of the past, focusing on the memory playing on the screen as she watched the coach press Riley down on the bed. He laughed at Riley’s struggles as his fingers moved inside her. Sadness knew that Riley hated the painful burn of his fingers. Riley was hoping the man would finish soon, but Sadness knew it was going to take a while; the man hadn’t even opened his pants yet.
Sometimes the man would finish Riley’s punishments sooner if she stopped resisting and let him do whatever he wanted, but sometimes he enjoyed pushing her even more. Looking back now, Sadness feels like the man’s pleasure always took forever.
Sadness can sometimes hear the coach talking to Riley in her memories, but not tonight. In this viewing all she can hear is Riley’s panicky breathing and pained cries as the fingers force her puss* wide open around them. Riley had grown used to the man’s fingers in her, but every time it stopped hurting, the man would add another finger until it hurt again. Riley whimpered, ashamed of the sounds, but unable to stop.
She’s terrified of those noises, afraid that someone will hear her.
Sadness watches as Riley looks down, feeling the ache as the man pulls his fingers out of her. Sadness knows that Riley doesn’t want him to touch her, but at the same time, without the man’s touch the room feels so much colder. Riley shivers, goosebumps rising on her flesh as the coach reaches for his belt and finally opens his pants.
Sadness wants to look away and sometimes she does as the memories play, but it doesn’t help. She can still remember how the memories were made, can still feel the ice holding her still, keeping her eyes on the screen. In the end, she always goes back to watching; she doesn’t want Riley to be alone with these memories.
There are so many memories of the man’s dick in the pile. Over time Riley has come to know the shape of it well, the way it stiffens in her hand when she’s forced to touch it, the way the skin slides on the shaft when she strokes it, the hot solid weight of it in her hand. That was all before the man started telling her to lick it.
Riley is ashamed of just how much she’s learned about sucking the man’s dick. She knows just how to run her tongue up and down its length. She’s been taught how he wants her to suck on the tip, swirling her tongue around and around. Riley knows how it tastes. Sadness doesn’t know which is worse, the early flavor when Riley has just started licking it or the full flavor that lingers in her mouth long after he comes.
The memories for both like to show up sometimes when Sadness and Disgust are alone in headquarters, as if Riley wants Disgust to see them. Sadness is sure that Disgust would have a lot to say about Riley putting her mouth on the coach’s dick, but Sadness tries really hard to make sure that Disgust never finds out. Even though the memories try to trip Disgust or fall from the ceiling near her head, Sadness has managed to catch them every time.
Late nights like these remind Sadness just how much Riley has learned about pleasuring the man. Riley knows how to touch him, how to lick him, and how to take all of the man’s dick into her mouth. Riley tries so hard not to choke as the man forces her head down on it. She’s gotten better at swallowing around it when his dick hits up against the back of her throat and makes her eyes tear up. It feels like it’s gagging her, but the man likes forcing her all the way down on every stroke, until he finally pulls her off so he can come on her face.
Riley remembers the feeling of the man’s dick sometimes when she swallows. The memories of it choking her will pop up out of the tube and start playing on the projection screen. The other emotions think it’s some sort of sexual fantasy, but Sadness knows it’s not. She always has to knock it away or shove another memory into its place. Luckily none of the other emotions seem to realize what it is, but it’s getting harder and harder to catch, and Sadness feels frayed at the edges.
Being forced to suck the man’s dick had seemed like the worst thing Riley had ever endured before the memory that’s currently playing.
Riley’s parents had talked to her at some point about sex and had given her a book that showed naked people in it. Disgust and Fear had taken to projecting the memory of the book at all different times of the day so they could comment about how gross and scary it was, while Joy and Anger had been the voices of excitement. Sadness had stayed out of it at the time not sure how she felt yet. However, Riley’s experiences with her coach have colored Sadness’ view of the photos in the book.
The man’s dick has always seemed so much bigger and scarier than any of the ones in that book. In this memory it’s already flushed hard and red. The coach’s dick stands at attention as he fists it, stroking in lazy enjoyment. The swollen tip emerges from his grip on every stroke and in the memory Riley doesn’t yet understand why the man isn’t pushing her to touch or lick it.
Both Sadness and Riley know what happens next, but they are powerless to do anything as the memory plays and the man smiles ominously, letting his dick swing down to smack against Riley’s puss*. In the memory Riley jumps at the sensation, startled, finally realizing that he’s going to stick his dick inside her.
Sadness watches as Riley start to panic in the memory, struggling uselessly against the coach as he laughs. She tries to scramble away, but the man tugs her back under him. Pulling her hips up, the man keeps her pinned as he easily bends her in half so her legs are over his shoulders in the air. The man’s dick rubs on her puss* and she freezes as the heavy weight of it slides on her like a snake. The man reaches down and works his dick between her folds, rubbing around in there until he finds her opening.
The memory feels like an open wound to Sadness. The earlier memories of the book on sex seem so innocent and wrong that Sadness has to hold herself back from touching the memories of the book anytime they show up in the projector. Sex is no longer an abstract thing to Riley, but Sadness can’t tell any of the other emotions about it. Recently she’s taken to pushing the sex book memories away with her foot and secretly sending them down to long term storage, if only to get them out of headquarters. She knows what she’s doing is wrong, but if she doesn’t get rid of them, she won’t be able to stop herself from touching them and turning them blue.
Sadness watches as the man leans over Riley and time seems to stop, like the moment right before Riley jumped off the pier and into cold, cold water. There’s a moment of fear, of floating, of hanging, right before the man starts pushing his dick inside her.
In the present, Riley tries to shut her eyes and block out the memory, trembling under the covers as tears roll down her face. But the memory keeps playing regardless.
Riley’s body opens painfully around the man’s dick. She remembers how big and thick it was, and how every inch of its progress burned. Riley’s back arches in the memory as she desperately tries to relieve the pressure and pain. Nothing helps. Riley still remembers the feeling of it, the memory popping up sometimes when boys talk to her, making her stumble over words no matter how quickly Sadness replaces the memory with something else.
Whenever Riley stumbles, Anger gets upset and thankfully distracts the other emotions from Sadness’ switch. Only now it seems that Anger is always upset at the littlest of things, worse then ever before, and none of the other emotions know what to do with him.
Riley has gotten into so many fights with boys this year, even the ones that Joy and Disgust seem to like. Anger’s head is almost always yellow and ready to explode.
In the memory, the man is panting against Riley’s face and into her hair. His hands grab her legs, tugging them wider apart so he can thrust himself further inside. The man’s dick pushes into her inch by inch. Riley’s shaking. She doesn’t want this, but he doesn’t care and time seems to slow again. His dick sinks its way inside her like a big rock disappearing into deep water.
Later, in another memory, he’ll tell Riley that it actually makes him sad that she no longer cries when he f*cks her puss*. So sometimes, to make it special again, he’ll f*ck her in the ass.
But that’s a different memory, one that Sadness hopes doesn’t start playing next.
On the screen the man’s dick is now all the way inside Riley. He pauses for one brief moment and all Sadness can hear is Riley’s pained gasps for air before the man starts f*cking her. The feeling of fullness easing as his dick pulls out, offering a sliver of relief for Riley, before the man rams his dick back inside her all at once. Faster and faster the man thrusts, his hips working hard as he f*cks into Riley.
Being forced to remember, Riley hugs herself, trying to be quiet, as she takes in deep breaths, crying alone in her bed. Sadness cries along with her. The sounds of the man’s pleasure echo in headquarters as Riley squeezes her eyes closed, desperately trying to block out what happened.
He leans forward, grunting as he thrusts into her, Riley’s body goes limp in the memory. It doesn’t stop the man; he just hikes up her legs so he can push into her as far as he can go, making Riley bite her lip hard as her body is forced to spread open as his dick relentlessly pistons inside her. The sounds of his hips slapping against her accompanies every jarring thrust. Her body jolts back and forth on the bed as the man’s fevered groans echo in the room.
Sadness curls up a little on the floor of headquarters. It’s gotten so much colder as the memory plays. The man f*cks Riley in sharp thrusts that feel like they go on forever until he suddenly stops, buried deep inside her. The seconds stretch by and Riley is forced to relive the feeling of his dick spreading her open. They both know this isn’t the end of the memory, no matter how Riley’s mind lingers over the feeling of it. Finally the memory starts playing again and the man pulls out suddenly so he can flip Riley over.
He positions her face down into the bed, one of his hands fisted into her hair, while the other hand tugs her ass up. His knees knock into hers, pushing her legs further apart, leaving her to scrambling against the comforter to keep her balance.
Riley rubs her fists hard against her eyes as she and Sadness remember this. Sadness wishes again that there was something she could do. Everything feels so gray and lifeless in these moments in the dark, when Sadness just wants to make it stop. But nothing she’s ever done seems to work and sometimes in the cold darkness she thinks she would do anything to make it possible. That thought scares her so badly that she crosses her arms and digs her fingers in hard, not trusting herself.
She always makes a promise on those nights: she has to tell the other emotions. She has to come clean and ask for help. And yet, in the light of day and Joy’s smiling face, Sadness always falters. She hates herself then, spending the day tired and exhausted, wishing she wasn’t a coward.
But in the last few months Joy’s been staring off into space, and even when the other emotions try to interact with her it’s like she’s not connecting with them. She seems just as tired as Sadness, and that scares Sadness more than any of the other changes in the emotions, because Joy is so central to Riley. Without Joy, Riley would be lost.
It feels as if, little by little, Joy is fading away. Growing dimmer and dimmer. Sadness doesn’t know what to do or what it means. Why is Joy fading?
How can she tell Joy about any of this when there’s something already wrong? What if Sadness only makes it worse?
Sadness shakes her head. She can’t think about that right now. Joy is fine.
In the memory, Riley looks out at the room, startled to see her reflection in a mirror on the back of the door. Her face is streaked with tears and she looks lost and scared and so small, her naked body overshadowed by the man. It feels like it should be a nightmare but it really happened, and for a chunk of last summer continued to happen over and over again.
Riley used to be so excited when the man singled her out during practice. He’d called her talented, and both Riley and her parents had believed and trusted him. Now the man she used to idealize seems like a monster.
He towers over her, his handsome face distorted in malicious glee, and Sadness knows this is the moment when Riley realizes that the man enjoys hurting her. But it’s also when Riley realizes there’s nothing she can do to stop it. He scoots in close behind her, holding her down, and she squirms when she feels his dick rubbing between her legs and into her puss*. The blunt shape of it slides back in between her folds as the man rubs it up and down just outside her entrance.
The man’s laughter seems so loud in the memory as he keeps rubbing his dick around Riley’s puss*, pushing it into her opening until Riley cries out at the stretch before pulling it out to rub into her again.
She doesn’t know it back then, but now Riley knows that this is the moment when the man decides if he’s going to f*ck her in the ass or not. But that hasn’t happened yet, this is just the first time he f*cks her puss*. It hadn’t seemed real before, back when it had been just a crush, and then a strange punishment. Now it’s a nightmare she can’t escape. How can she explain that at first she wanted it? She’d wanted him to like her, to pay attention to her, to touch her, but not like this.
Finally the memory stops replaying those moments of the man rubbing his dick on Riley over and over and moves forward, showing the part of the memory where the man pushes himself a little bit into Riley and lets go of her hair. There’s a rush of relief as Riley takes the opening to try to lunge away, desperate to escape. There is a break in the memory while Riley has a daydream where she actually manages to get away. But the original memory starts back up almost right away, with the man grabbing her hips with both hands and easily yanking her back against him. The sound of panting is loud in the room as Riley struggles until she runs out of steam.
The man says something almost sweet as he repositions her so his dick is once again touching her. Riley still thinks about his words even now. They were so kind and comforting, he told her that it would all be okay. It gave her hope for a brief moment before the coach pushed himself completely back inside her again.
The feeling of the man’s dick moving inside her still haunts Riley. She can feel every inch of it as it retreats before it’s shoved back inside her, his knees forcing her legs wider apart, while the memory lingers over his hands holding her hips tightly.
Back then Riley watched it all in the mirror, seeing the man’s face twisted in pleasure, the grunts and moans in counterpoint to the slapping sounds and the ache of him pounding her puss*. It made Riley feel like she was disconnected and floating above everything and yet she was still there, trapped under the man as he carved out a deep aching wound between her legs. The whole headquarters went completely dark back then—ice on every surface—with the images on the screen of the man f*cking Riley as the only source of light.
Even now, Riley can’t forget; she’s still there trapped under him in her head.
His sweaty body pushes her down into the bed as he f*cks her. Back then it felt like it went on forever, her puss* going almost numb as she clawed at the comforter in desperation. In the memory, it seems to loop over and over, making Sadness curl herself into a tighter ball as it plays continuously. Until finally, the memory moves forward and the man’s hips jerk out of their rhythm. With a deep satisfied moan, the man’s body slams once more into Riley, collapsing on her, pinning her to the bed, and shoving his dick deep inside her while his hips shudder.
Trapped under the man, Riley freaks out, and even now alone in her bed she gasps for air as she claws at the sheets. She can still feel the panting breaths of the man hot against her head and the crushing weight of his body as he lay on top of her. In the memory she whimpers and struggles in vain before he finally moves to the side—just enough that she can breathe, but not enough to get free. Riley scrubs at her eyes, remembering how the man ignored her tears to kiss her face, saying sweet things to her as he stretched a bit on top of her, still holding her down.
His dick stayed inside her. The feeling of being painfully full of the man’s dick is something that chases Riley in her dreams and one of the reasons that Sadness took over dream duty. The other emotions had started to ask strange question about sex dreams.
They should have realized that something was wrong with the coach before any of this happened. Sadness remembers how Riley used to feel weird when the man touched her on the ice, when he’d move her body around. The hot press of his hands as they lingered and stroked over her clothing and on her skin. Fear always freaked out, said it made him feel weird, that he felt scared around the coach. But the emotions had all written that off as a part of Riley’s crush; her crushes had made all of them feel weird.
Sadness blames herself the most. She should have been honest and told the other emotions about the punishments long ago.
In the memory Riley lies there for a long time after the man slides himself out of her body. The coach had offered a crass bit of praise and then a touch of sweetness before he smacked Riley’s ass, as if this was what she had wanted. The uncomfortable wet feeling of the man’s come as it leaks out of her body lingered, making Riley clench her legs together even now, remembering how gross it felt.
At the time Riley isn’t expecting the man to come back into the room, the memory seems to linger over the moment she startles and tries to get up but can’t because it hurts too much. Riley remembers the shame she felt when the man took out his camera and snapped a photo of her before moving in closer to take a close up of her puss*. The coach gleefully describes to Riley just what her puss* looks like as he takes photo after photo of her.
Riley ends up believing the man when he said he’d ruined her, afraid to look between her legs for days afterward. The pain inside her was a constant sensation.
Back then he’d rolled her over so he could spread her puss* agonizingly back open and take more photos of her. The rest of it blurs together but clears up when the man starts to run a wet cloth down her body, slowly cleaning her up. It feels almost nice until he starts washing between her legs. It hurts and Riley starts shaking again begging the man to stop, but he doesn’t care about that. He’s too busy tugging her legs open so he can get her ‘dirty little c*nt’ really clean, only to pause, looking at her puss* with a cruel smile on his face.
Back then Riley had desperately wanted to go home already, her excitement for hockey camp all but gone after only one night. She was supposed to be safe here with other students, but yet she had a room all by herself where the coach could come and go as he pleased. In the days that followed all sorts of things happened to Riley in that room. No one noticed.
But in the memory the man just stares and stares between Riley’s legs, his mouth curling into a smirk before he moves forward.
Every time she watches it, Sadness tries to stop the memory before this point, pulling and tugging at the it, but like every other time it just won’t budge and continues to play.
The man holds Riley’s hips down as she struggles. Even though she begs him not to, he leans in close and his wet tongue licks at her throbbing puss*. She gasps at the burning feel of his tongue sliding into her, his stubble scratching her abused flesh as he pushes in deep. In the memory Riley whines, her hands shoving desperately at his face, the pain sharp as the gross, unwanted feeling of his tongue explores her. Her legs squeeze together uselessly against his face as she weeps, the man holding her right where he wants her.
The man doesn’t let her go until her body’s gone limp and she’s broken and weeping silently.
He tells her what a good girl she’s been for him, but she doesn’t feel good. She feels slick down there. Riley hates it.
Riley still remembers how excited she was to make the team, during the practices, the games. How much she loved her new coach. The desperate need to be liked by him, to earn his compliments, and when finally she had worked hard enough for his praise, how she had soaked it up like a sponge. When he said that she was good, but could be better if she went to his summer camps, she begged her parents to be able to go. When he started punishing her in secret she didn’t know what to do or how to feel. But she realized soon after that the coach could show up anywhere. He stopped by their house whenever he wanted, he hung out with her dad to watch games together, and joked with her mom. Riley couldn’t get away from him or the casual arm he’d throw over her shoulder without causing a scene or being punished later.
So Riley and Sadness keep secrets.
If this is what Riley really wanted, why does she hate it so much?
Sadness knows that Riley has made so many excuses for the things the coach has done to her. Even those times later, when Riley would make a mistake out on the ice and later he’d punish her by forcing her to bend over so he could slowly work the back end of her brand new hockey stick into her; even then Sadness knew Riley wanted to believe that she’d done something to deserve it.
The hockey stick had been a present from him for her birthday and now she can’t bear to look at it.
But that comes much later. In this memory, when the man finally releases Riley from his grasp, she struggles to cover herself. He’s telling her something as she carefully pulls her underwear and pajamas on. Sadness remembers it was all about how she had performed on the ice that day, as if the man was only her coach and hadn’t just f*cked Riley for the first time so hard that she could barely stand. The burning, shooting pain in her puss* was so intense that remembering it still makes Riley tear up.
In the memory when the coach finally gets up so Riley can crawl back into the bed, he grabs her, wrapping his giant arms around her even though Riley struggles against him, so he can whisper in Riley’s ear that she did really well for her first time. The man tells her he’s looking forward to spending a lot of time together before kissing her head, his hands rubbing up and down her body. Riley shudders as if she’s standing on a cliff, averting her eyes when the man lets her go. Glancing at his smile, Riley realizes that this is only the beginning, but all she does is look down again and nod meekly. She says something stupid, crawling under the covers, but they both know that the coach is going keep coming into the room to do whenever he wants with Riley.
He’ll keep f*cking her and there’s nothing she can do about it.
Her parents have paid so much for the training, for the summer camps, and they’re so amazed with how much progress Riley is showing. Their eyes light up in joy every time they can see how much she’s improved. The fact that the man is actually a good coach makes Riley hate him even more.
Finally the memory stops playing. Immediately, the light goes out and plunges the headquarters into darkness as the bright blue memory falls to the floor. Sadness lunges for it, grabbing it before it can roll away. She looks out, realizing that the screen is dark and Riley has finally fallen back to sleep. Sadness rolls over and lays there for a bit crying. And then she gets up and pulls all of the core memories that feature the man out of Riley’s core. The memories don’t want to come out, but finally she manages to work them free. Sadness puts the regular core memories carefully back where they should be, trying not to touch them too long.
The bright deep blue pile of memories featuring the man sit in the middle of the floor. It’s an impressive amount and Sadness is overwhelmed by the sheer number of them. She really should put them away again, but Sadness doesn’t, instead she melts onto the floor and lays there motionless.
Sadness keeps thinking that she can handle this, but she’s in way over her head and it feels like she’s drowning.
It’s been less than a year since the man got a better job and moved away from them and yet Riley is still thinking about these memories, still replaying them late at night. Recently they’ve started bothering her throughout the day as well, little flashes of memories that the other emotions don’t understand.
These memories aren’t going away.
Maybe tomorrow, Sadness promises herself, she’ll finally show these memories to the other emotions. Tomorrow when Riley doesn’t have school. When they can be alone to fall apart. Sadness doesn’t know how the other emotions will take it, or what they’ll do when Sadness admits that she’s been lying to them for so long. But Sadness needs to do this.
Sadness gets up and gathers the pile of memories, pushing them into hiding space after hiding space. Some she sends down to long term storage—there are just too many to hide up here. It takes her a few trips but finally they are hidden away again and Sadness stops for a bit to listen to Riley breathing as she sleeps. On the screen Sadness is playing a happy memory in the hopes that it will make Riley feel better.
Tomorrow, Sadness will try gathering Joy, Anger, Disgust, and Fear so she can show them what’s weighing so heavily on Riley’s mind. Maybe this time she’ll muster up her courage and face the music.
But for now the memories are out of sight, out of mind.
